the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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