I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
