I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
