Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
Randomize
