You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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