Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
