You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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