Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
