Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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