tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
