He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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