im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
