Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
