hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
