Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
