I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
