he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
