We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
being pregnant is like rehab
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
