The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
