I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
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just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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