I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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