Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
