is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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