I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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