I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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