mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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