Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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