is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
