your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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