Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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