You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
