Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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