My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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