i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
