i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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