This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
