I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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