I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
