just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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