Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm always down for nudity.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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