Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
