I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
