i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
