In the future we'll all be gay
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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