So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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