I wish my penis had an off switch
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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