I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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