Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
