I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
