I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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