Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
