Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
