I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
