my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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