I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.