I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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