Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night