you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the day after is always just damage control
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages