hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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