Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
