Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
