He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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